Men Are From Mars

FROM WHERE I SIT   Men Are From Mars   June 2, 2013 Pat DeKok Spilseth

Let’s face it.  I don’t mean to be sexist or politically incorrect, but men and women are wired differently.  Remember John Gray’s book MEN ARE FROM MARS. WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS?   From cave man days, men were taught to provide and protect.  Women nurtured their children and were in charge of the home.  Today, those images are somewhat passe.   In my experience, dads are problem solvers.  Moms are the ones we talk to about feelings.  

  

“It doesn’t matter who my father was,” Anne Sexton wrote, “It matters who I remember he was.”  It’s interesting how each kid in the family remembers Dad for different reasons.   Often the older kids in the family didn’t get as much time with Dad: he was working long hours, building a career, wanting to provide for his family.    By the time younger kids came along, usually Dad had more time to spend with them.  

No matter if we grew up in the 30’s, 50’s, 80’s, or recently, Dads make a huge impressions on their kids.  Many girls want to marry a man just like dear old Dad.  Boys want to be Mr. Fix Anything, an athletic Superman or a brain whiz like their father.  

Many men enjoy building, fixing things and mowing their lawn so it’s the best looking lawn in the neighborhood.  They like to shoot baskets, throw the football, play tennis or tinker with cars.  Guys seem to be more interested in action activities; they’re uncomfortable talking about feelings.  

Girls want to talk.  We are so different than guys.  We want to talk about school, books we’re reading, friends, places to travel, our dream guy and what we want to be when we grow up.  Guys want to fix things, find solutions to a problem; they don’t want to discuss feelings.  Girls do.  We want to dream and analyze everything.  

Maybe my desire to know more about life and why I felt the way I did were some of the reasons that Dad and I had very few conversations.  I could have talked with Dad most any day in his office, which was next to our family’s kitchen at the jail.  But I remember very few talks.  I do remember four conversations that made an indelible impression.

1. When I got upset about something my band director said, Dad stood up for me, called the instructor, and my problem with that person was solved.  

2.  When I misbehaved, he’d send me to my room to “think about what I’d done.”   After he’d given me time to cry and feel totally terrible, he came upstairs to tell me how badly I’d disappointed Mom and Dad.  He wasn’t a cuddlier nor did he talk about love.  That was supposed to be understood.  Love wasn’t verbalized.

3. When he dropped me off at Luther College, my first time away from home for any length of time, he told me “to remember who I was” and to “stand up for what I believed.”  He was a very principled man.  He expected others to be that same sort of stand-up, ethical person.  

4.  When he was ill with cancer, dying at the Veterans’ Hospital in St. Paul, I’d sit with him in companionable silence.  But he did rally strength to forcefully tell me to “Get out there and do all those things you want to do before it’s too late.”  Dad had things he wanted to do, but his job took his time, energy and health.  At 61 he died, unable to enjoy retirement, travel, and never knew his grandchildren.  

Dad’s life was mostly work, either at the sheriff’s office, plowing fields on his farm, or driving trucks carrying cattle or feed to market.  My Dad was quiet, but I remember that most men weren’t big communicators in the fifties and sixties.   Today’s dads seem more open, spend more time with family.  Many women have returned to the work force so dads are expected to help out more with family and household duties.  Life is no longer just about work; today, relationships seem to be a higher priority in our lives.

My children’s dad has been a wonderful companion and cheerleader to his children.  Dave enjoys water skiing, tennis, boating, and going to the movies or sports events with his kids; he could spend hours shooting hoops with Andy and biking with Kate.   He attended all their sports games and music concerts if he wasn’t at his job flying airplanes.  When he was home, Dave became the referee, settling arguments and solving problems.  But when it came to talking about their troubles and hurt feelings, it was Mom’s turn.  

Girls and guys are wired differently.  Dads and Moms have different strengths and weaknesses, but as mates, we try to fill in each other’s empty spaces and be good influences for our children.   June 16th is Fathers’ Day.   Tell your Dad how important he is in your life.  839 words